Cast: Richard Randall, Brigitte Porsh, Derter Hintz
Remember the "Sybil Danning Adventure Video" line? That
was the video
series that had pictures of Danning on the cover, dressed like the
in the movie. And she would "present" the movie in footage shot at the
beginning. However, it backfired badly on Danning, because (1) the
were extreme crap like Fist of Fear - Touch of Death and
Kill the Ninja, and (2) renters seeing Danning's picture on
cover though that meant that she was appearing in the movies.
Some important lessons were learned from this, but
apparently the Cannon
movie company either didn't learn these lessons or didn't care, and a
years later introduced their own such hosted video line,
Well, when Cannon was around, that was about the only
star they had
under contract (and assuming Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson had the
sense to stay away). It somehow seem appropriate for Cannon that their
homegrown star was a former model that had no martial arts experience
going into the movies.
The video starts off with Dudikoff sitting in one of
five or so seats
in a very cheesy and tiny screening room. He tells us, "Welcome to
Action Adventure Theater!" (though he doesn't seem happy to meet us).
being in Hollywood, I've been lucky to work with some of the best
filmmakers in the business, in movies like American Ninja,
of Death, Platoon Leader, and the upcoming Death
It's no surprise that action/adventures movies are at the top of my
(Uh, Mike, if you are reading this, could you answer:
 If you think
Steve Carver, Aaron Norris, and Sam Firstenburg are "the best" - who
the worst?  What ever happened to the never-made Death
And  that list of yours - what's the title of your list? "Genres I
to work in?" "Genres that I can't act in?" If it's the last, it must be
a long list.)
After this, we CUT to a shot on the other side of
Dudikoff. He turns
his head to the camera, and starts to tell us about Cross Mission.
Are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Yes, you're right - it's
the same first part on all the movies of this series, just adding a
synopsis for new footage. What's the point of telling us about the
- does he think we can't read the back of the box. Actually, for this
I noticed there were several errors in the plot synopsis on the box. So
I guess there is need for Dudikoff in this video.
And you'd be better off just stopping at the synopsis,
because the movie
itself is not only a horrible Italian B-movie actioner, but so badly
and shot that you feel grimy just by watching it. This is on my
list - list of worst movies of all time.
The plot: I look over my notes, just hours after
watching the movie
and I still can't make heads or sense of the thing. Somewhere in South
America, there's a country with the name of...some name... ruled by a
called Romero. Some guy named William arrives to help Romero out,
on his journey to the general's quarters hooks up with a reporter
never caught her name as well.
The general has been publicly burning pot farms in view
of the U.N.,
to keep them off his back. Actually, the general himself is behind the
country's drug trade, and he and William work (I think) for some
people who are...we never find out who.
Though lame circumstances, the reporter convinces
William he's on the
wrong side, and the two of them join the rebels. Bullets fly, footage
repeated, scenes are shown again at different angles, invisible and
bullets fly out of guns, all of which might have been funny, but isn't
because of the uninspired direction.
If the movie had enough unintentional humor, something
might be salvaged
for viewers. Well, I suppose there are a few laughs about the general,
who was born with - get this - supernatural powers! I kid you not. Two
scenes have the general zap the ground, and out from the puff of smoke
walks a 2-foot dwarf who is his bodyguard. Yes, a bodyguard. And
the scene when he determines if someone is lying or not by placing his
hands near each side of the man's face and blue lightning comes
of his hands and zaps the guy well.
So it's not a good movie, to say the least. I'm not a
fan of Mystery
Science Theater 3000, but this is one time that I would have
liked any kind
of background commentary to keep my mind off this shoddy movie.
I suspect that the robots and co. would have a very tough time finding
things to laugh about aside from the few minutes I've described.
The last thing Dudikoff says before he fades out and the
is, "Join the deadliest covert action ever in.......Cross Mission"
Dudikoff, how dare you leave us to do your dirty work! No wonder you
still there after the credits end.
for availability on Amazon (VHS)
See also: Crack House, America 3000, Ninja: