Galaxy Of Terror
Cast: Edward Albert, Erin Moran, Ray Walston
Special guest review!
By Mike Sullivan
A couple of weeks ago, while searching
the web for Blossom fanfics (preferably one in which Blossom
and Six "do it"), I stumbled upon an interesting website by the name of
Movies Are Fun! I instantly fell in love with this
unique website, mainly because of its bold decision to feature rumors
of upcoming films and an occasional movie review. Truly a gutsy
decision, especially in this day and age when just about everybody has
similar movie-based websites. It's refreshing to see a man proudly rise
and loudly proclaim, "Me too!"
In any case, Movies Are Fun!
(hereafter known as MAF) recently reviewed the digitally remastered
edition of Galaxy Of Terror, a film I've been planning
to review for some time. Considering that MAF is a slightly obscure
website who could certainly use a little extra exposure, and add to the
fact that I was completely unwilling to crap out yet another goddamned
guest review, the Greywizard and myself have decided to hand over the
Unknown Movies reigns to the man behind MAF, Mr. Laurence Hovlis.
Laurence Here. It's been a hard and exhaustive week here at Movies Are
Fun. As you all may remember the week started with a bang when I
interviewed my dear friend Cameron Crowe. Cammy showed unexpected
warmth when he jokingly pushed me to the floor and lightheartedly
kicked me in the stomach seventeen times,I then managed to scoop all of
the major movie sites when I featured a review of the script of the
third STAR WARS prequel.But joy turned to candy colored shame when it
was revealed to be a fake. According to Lucas film representatives
Deputy Dawg will not be the film's villain,the much ballyhooed Jawa
orgy will not be included,Queen Amidala's head does not get cut off by
a helicoptor blade,and the title will not be STAR WARS:ANOTHER ONE FROM
THE HEART.The remainder of the week was spent on articles detailing my
rage over how Warner Bros. is ruining the live action JABBERJAW
film(I'm sorry but David Mamet doesn't know s**t about Hanna Barbara)
can imagine by the the end of the week I felt like the saluting zombie
in DAY OF THE DEAD,no actually I felt like the guy in SCREAM AND SCREAM
AGAIN who keeps waking up only to find more missing body parts,wait no
I felt more like Monica Potter in PATCH ADAMS,Yeah that's it.
case it was the end of the week and I was itching to turn my couch into
a fort.But before I could entomb myself in the Captain Crunch encrusted
cushions the phone rang.I then arose from my cushioney coffin and then
made my way towards the phone.Making sure to lift my left foot then
follow it up with my right foot, then left,then right,left again,then
the right,left and then the right one again,left (Editor's note: In the original article, this
went on for three more paragraphs. As a public service, some editing
has been performed.)
turns out the phone call was from a representative of the Midnight
Movies video label. They were wondering if I'd be interested in giving
a positive review of their digitally remastered edition of GALAXY OF
TERROR.I immediately declined.I told them that I would never give a
positive review just because someone asked me,besides making GALAXY OF
TERROR sound watchable was about as hard as getting the smell of Arby's
out of my car.They then countered with an offer of fifteen dollars and
a coupon for a personal pan pizza.Coincidentally,it was at this moment
I started to have second thoughts about GALAXY OF TERROR.
first thing I noticed about GALAXY OF TERROR is that it is in fact a
movie.Ahhhh movies.I remember once talking to Barry Sonnenfeld about
movies.What was it he told me?Oh yes it was,"Jesus Christ! Would you
stop bothering me about THE ADDAMS FAMILY and get your acne riddled ass
out of my pool!"
slipped the DVD out of its case and into the player,happy memories
started to overwhelm me and soon I was groovin' out in my head over the
scene in which Erin Moran has her gusts slowly squeezed out of her by
an alien.Do you remember in POLICE ACADEMY 3 when Tackleberry meets
Colleen Camp's parents for the first time,Those goosebumps,the ones you
get thinking about John Travolta shooting the cow in BATTLEFIELD
EARTH?Well those were the goosebumps I was getting while remembering
that beautiful scene.
never seen a Steven Soderburgh movie entertain an audience(and by
audience I mean myself and my Uncle Timmy)quite like GALAXY OF TERROR
has.The scenes featuring characters stumbling in the dark,the set
designs swiped from ALIEN,and the philosophical non-ending are what
classics if not dreams are made of.
laid back in my reverie,the credits started and as I witnessed the
influx of star power involved in this movie I nearly passed
out.Wouldn't you? Zalman King,Erin Moran, Edward Albert,and Ray Walston
all of them legends.All like entertainment gladiators.Ready to stab us
with with their broad swords called acting or maybe envelope us in
their nets of charisma.Then the words Produced by Roger Corman appeared
on screen,signaling the departure of mundane reality and quickly
ushering in the universe of the one and only Corman.What is this
universe I speak of?I'm glad you asked because it's...
FANTASTIC,MOVIETASTIC,VISUAL FILM UNIVERSE OF ROGER CORMAN....AND
GALAXY OF TERROR
this particular universe.Yes it's true that this is a place where sets
are cramped and cheap,a place where visual effects never rise above the
look of an Atari 500 game,a world in where characters don't usually do
things for a logical reason or any reason for that matter,Women who are
routinely raped and brutally murdered by rubber worms,A universe in
which cliche riddled characters climb aboard a spaceship,and with blank
expressions upon their countenances,steadfastly refuse to (or just
can't) act in the face of some vague metaphysical evil in the form of a
pyramid.It goes without saying that this film has many faults but it
does manage to do something only certain films can do - fill 85 minutes.
characters in this film are a paradigm of enchantment,they're steely
eyed demons of joy,furious babydolls of pure energy if you
will.Yeah,they're bland ignominious,walking,vulture bait but they
aren't the types that scurry away like Pixie and Dixie as the cold
frightening jaws of death known as Mr. Jinx comes bearing down on
them.They are the sturm and drang of heroism and as they crash landed
onto the titular planet of terror,my eyes misted over and I cried.
I cry?Well I guess it got to me because it was such a sad
situation.Here is this space pyramid that is turning our most
horrifying nightmares against us and these valiant spacemen are putting
their lives on the line,mainly because we refused to look at the sky or
fund projects that are specifically designed to destroy monuments that
are floating around in space or our insane refusal to wear jumpsuits
and live in the future.
there's the scenes with Erin Moran and Edward Albert.Some would say
that there was no chemistry between them, that the scenes have the
warmth of a proctology exam.To that I say thee nay.I believe the love
between the characters was beyond simple chemistry.It was a special
love,a love in which two people are so comfortable and so enraptured
with each other that they only appear to be repulsed by each other's
presence.This is a true rarity,Moran and Albert should be praised for
their anti-chemistry chemistry.
why stop with just Moran and Albert all of the performances capture
me,the performances lure me to their cars with promises of candy and
rough cuts of STAR WARS prequels only to beat me about my head and face
with their thesbianic prowess.Every performance is pure gold from Sid
Haig frantically trying to chop his own arm off to Grace Zabriski's bug
eyed spastic sweating.Plus Ray Walston proves how disciplined an actor
he is by not changing his facial expressions even once.
performances aside GALAXY OF TERROR is also filled with
dialogue that is powerful in it's originality.Although I've heard the
phrase,"Hey don't touch that!" or "Stay here!" or"Don't go down there!"
before I've never heard it come from people in glowing backpacks.That
my friends is screenwriting at it's purest and baby that's cold.
Clark so he direct that movie bad care who,some? Not me!A while back
some video store clerk I know was railing against Clark.He was bitching
that Clark was a hack a moron,a satanic boil residing inside of the ass
of Adolph Hitler.I defended Clark.I looked that clerk straight in the
eye and I said,"Shut Up jerk!" The way Clark points a camera, at faces,
people walking,a fakey rubber alien.So many moving
things,wheels,guns,food it's astounding. The fact that he decides to
shoot so many scenes with very little or no lighting at all just like
in real life.When I'm in my bedroom at night I can't see anything,was
that a racoon or my Grandma?I don't know!Clark understands this and
that's why GALAXY OF TERROR works.Y'see Clark knows how to satisfy an
audience.Clark knows what buttons to push on an increasingly horny
public (Editor's note: At this point the review
breaks down into a clumsy metaphor involving the director making love
to the audience. Yet again, as a public service, we're excising eleven
paragraphs of boring, graphic, and painfully unsexy ramblings in order
to spare you for phrases like "pan-drippings", "laffy box", "taffy
fingers", "vagitation", "dick docker", and "squid marks".) but I didn't mean to infer that
they do that at Shakey's.
GALAXY OF TERROR isn't one of the greatest movies ever made.God knows
it isn't,it's just that I desperately wanted a personal pan pizza and I
really didn't want to pay for it out of my own pocket.But regardless of
the little coupon (courtesy of the fine people at MGM) my opinions are
whole and real.Sort of.
also like to remind people that my first book MOVIES ARE FUN!!
HOLLYWOOD'S CLOWN OF FREEDOM Has already hit the discount bin just a
week after its first printing.This has never happened to a book before
and it makes me proud that mine was the first to do this.Be sure to
check out the chapter featuring great unproduced scripts that are in
desperate need of being made into films(I'd also like to point out that
it's just a coincidence that 8 of the 10 scripts in this chapter were
written by MAF contributors) and the final chapter in which I detail
how much I was paid to write this book just to piss off that guy
who made fun of my perm at the A & W.But whatever you do be sure to
check out the book that had Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman
raving,"Quite...Possibly...the biggest piece of...Book...this year."
for availability on Amazon (DVD)
for availability on Amazon (Blu-Ray)
for availability on Amazon (Download)
for availability of Roger Corman's autobiography on Amazon
See also: Don't Go In The House,