Adam And Eve Vs. The Cannibals
(a.k.a. Adam And Eve)
(1983)
Directors: Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo
Cast: Mark Gregory, Andrea Goldman, Angel Alcazar
When
I am not
thinking about the wonderful world of unknown movies that is out there
and available to all of us, I like to think about deep subjects that
make me wonder why things are the way they are now, and how exactly
things got that way in the first place. From that point, I engage in
heavier thinking, and often the conclusion that I come up with is that
it always started with God. Coming to this conclusion, I have tried on
multiple occasions to get a better understanding of God and why he is
the way that he is and why he has done so many things that at first
glance don't seem to make a lot of sense. One of the things that I have
wondered about for many years concerning God is: Where on Earth did He
come from? As I think I mentioned in a past review of mine, during my
teenage years I read in a Christian magazine that stated, "He was
always here!", and didn't explain any further as to how that could be.
Needless to say, that left me feeling extremely unsatisfied. Another
thing that puzzled me about God was that in some ways He seemed to be
inconsistent. I think I also mentioned earlier that in the Old
Testament, God seemed to come across as pretty cranky, while in the New
Testament He seemed determined to show mankind ways of salvation. But
there are other inconsistencies, like why He allowed incest in the
early part of mankind but forbid it later, and why in the Bible He
allowed people to drink alcohol (including as a device for one to
forget his or her problems), while later on (specifically in the Quran)
alcohol was labelled as a strict no-no. Then there's the fact He only
arranged for the Old Testament to be available to humanity after
thousands of years of the existence of humanity - why not provide an
instruction manual for humanity right at the start? As for the New
Testament, which came out hundreds of years later... did God somehow forget to say some things the first time around?
There are other things concerning God that give me just
as much puzzlement, sometimes even more. Then there is everything that
unfolded in the first chapter of the Bible, Genesis. Why did God live
in total blackness for a long time before deciding to make light? If
God can do everything, why did it take Him six days to create the kind
of world he wanted? And on the seventh day, why did He have to take a
rest if he's all powerful? In the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, why did
the sight of the destructing cities cause Lot's wife to turn into salt
instead of some other kind of fate? Then after Lot and his daughters
got to safety, where did the daughters come up with the wine to get
their father drunk so they then could... uh... maybe it's best that I
move on. Moving on to Noah's ark, why did God command Noah to spend
years building an ark instead of getting Noah, his family, and all the
animals on top of a tall mountain peak? How did Noah and his family
clean up all the fecal matter from the animals for forty days and forty
nights, let alone managing to feed every animal during that same period
of time? For that matter, what did all the animals that were on the ark
eat for the next few months after the flood subsided? Then with the
tale of The Garden Of Eden, why did God, when creating animals, give
them all mates at once, when for his greatest creation - Adam - He did
not give Adam a mate right away? Why did God make Eve out of a rib from
Adam instead of making Eve in the same way that He made Adam? Also, why
did he put the tree having the forbidden fruit in the garden knowing
(since he always knows everything) that Adam and Eve would eat it?
Let's face it - when it comes to the story of Adam and
Eve (or for many other stories to be found in the Bible), there are a
lot of things that don't make sense. That is probably one reason why
this story hasn't been used in that many movies. Of course, there is
also the fact that the story of Adam and Eve has the two characters
naked for a lot of the time, which was a great obstacle for filmmakers
decades ago, and today would threaten a movie to be given a forbidden
NC-17 rating. There is also the fact that the Bible basically had the
tale be a short story, not a
story that went on for a number of chapters. But all this didn't
apparently stop the makers of Adam And Eve Vs. The
Cannibals.
Since it was made by Italian filmmakers, you can be sure that they put
in a lot of nudity and sexual elements. As for a lot of things in the
original story not making sense, and the story being short, no problem
at all - the Italian filmmakers threw in enough extra elements to make
their telling long enough to have a movie-length running time, even if
their extra elements seemed even more bizarre and unexplained than in
the original Bible story. In the movie, we see God create the universe
and the Earth, and after making the Garden of Eden, we see the creation
of Adam (Mark Gregory, "Trash" from the cult films 1990: The Bronx
Warriors and Escape From The Bronx).
Eventually after some wandering around by Adam, Eve is created (Andrea
Goldman) and
the two of them hit it off immediately. But eventually, Eve is
convinced by a serpent in Eden to eat the fruit of the forbidden tree,
which then prompts all traces of Eden to be completely wiped out,
leaving the couple to wander the wasteland and deal with some really
big threats... not just cannibals.
Apart from me mentioning the cannibals, that plot
description for the first part Adam And Eve Meet The
Cannibals
probably doesn't sound all that far removed from the original Bible
story. But trust me, inside and in-between all those aforementioned
plot points in this first of the movie is at
times true Italian cinematic insanity. The movie starts off with Adam
being "born", consisting of some kind of flesh cocoon that unearths
itself and Adam ripping it open and getting out. It happens during a
rainstorm, so it seems odd later when Adam wanders around Eden, he
hesitates to touch water in a pond. Soon Adam gets lonely, and out of
sand he sculpts the shape of a woman, and he gets on top of it. Then
another rainstorm starts and washes away the sand to reveal the human
Eve. (All of what I have told you to this point happened in the first
six minutes of the movie, by the way.) The two wander around for a few
minutes while an '80s style pop song plays. When Eve discovers the tree
of Forbidden Fruit, a serpent urges her to eat the fruit, but Eve does
not give any questions to the serpent as to who he is and how he
supposedly knows it's good to eat the fruit. Adam tells Even that the
fruit is forbidden, but doesn't say why or how he knows this in the
first place. Eve is soon motivated to eat the fruit after seeing two
lions mating, and after she and Adam eat the fruit, use their newfound
knowledge to have doggie-style sex. The sky soon gets dark, there is a
storm, and stock footage of a volcano erupting is seen. Then the two
are chased down a mountain by a large round stop motion boulder in the
style of Indiana Jones. Then when all traces of Eden are gone and the
two are in a desert landscape, suddenly we see Adam and Eve wearing
animal skins.
If you are wondering if what follows is equally as
insane, let me assure you at times that it is. Foraging for food, Adam
and Eve sample an egg from a pterodactyl's nest, and soon have to
wrestle a stuffed pterodactyl whose only movements come when the two
grab and shake it. Not long afterwards, the two run into a tribe of
cannibals. They look like Neanderthals, so maybe they don't belong to
what the Bible considered first humans. Captured and taken to the
Neanderthal village, Adam finally says "I love you" to Eve, and she
responds with "Finally!" At the village (a big intricate cave system -
how did the tribe construct it on short notice?), we get more doggie-style
sex just before Adam and Eve escape, but they quarrel and go their own
ways. During her journey, Eve is captured by a man in green makeup and
taken to his village where we witness the first buffet. Though she only
refers to the man as "Green Man", she is soon charmed by him and has
sex with him - which Adam witnesses to his chagrin. But soon the
cannibals re-enter and start to attack the Green Man's tribe, and the
three escape. After resting from drifting down a river, the three are
suddenly attacked by one the stiffest and moth-eaten bear costumes I
have ever seen in a movie. The bear is killed, and the Green Man
departs after Eve indicates she now prefers Adam... for some reason. Even
subsequently tells Adam that the Green Man meant nothing. Adam is still
upset, but no matter - the two quickly afterwards have sex while
another '80s pop song plays. We jump to several months later, and Eve
tells Adam "I am making a cub," which Adam does not believe. What
follows is an attack by a pack (actually just three) of wolves, and
stock footage of ice plains, snow, icebergs, and avalanches. Just
before Eve gives birth, Adam encounters yet another
human tribe, but just in time reaches Eve who is at the beach and in
labor. We see the baby born via the use of (real) footage of a woman
giving birth to a baby while underwater. The end.
As you can see, Adam And Eve Vs. The
Cannibals
certainly contains a great deal of the kind of ineptness and insanity
that's often attached to Italian filmmakers. Is there anything genuinely good
to say about the movie? Well, I admit that the filmmakers managed to
shoot in some pretty scenic locations, from desert landscapes to snowy
plains, many of which look eerie enough to suggest some kind of
supernatural force. And to its credit, the movie suggests that if there
was an Eden, it might have eventually become boring; Eve at one point
questions if they really have to keep taking baths and looking at
sunrises. Though while I am talking about boring experiences, I have to
admit that the movie has its share of dull patches, where nothing of
real consequence happens for long periods. It certainly doesn't help
that Adam and Eve are pretty bland characters themselves, creating no
kind of spark or interest when they talk (which isn't often) or do
things like have sex. Actors Gregory and Goldman not only give
passionless performances, their characters aren't written to have
interesting personalities. (Also, they don't look particularly
appealing without their clothes.) Though the Bible character in this
story that's the worse off is God. Believe it or not, there is no
reference to God anywhere in the movie! We don't hear Him, we don't see
Him, and no one mentions Him at any point. That was a really bizarre
choice by the filmmakers, if you ask me. But speaking of bizarre things
concerning Adam
And Eve Vs. The Cannibals,
if you are wondering if the movie has enough Italian insanity to make
it worth sitting through the less than desirable moments, I would say
yes. The insanity isn't as all out as in movies like Troll
2,
but there is definitely enough to make a viewing worthwhile to fans of
inept filmmaking, especially if you see it for free on YouTube as I
did. Though between watching the movie and publishing this review, the
movie was removed from YouTube, but you can now watch the movie on free
streaming service Tubi (under the alternate title Adam And Eve) so you'll get a viewing experience that will
make you exclaim, "Holy...!"
(Posted January 18, 2025)
If you're American or VPNing it to America, watch on free streaming service Tubi (Tubi)
See also: The Apple, If Footmen Tire You..., The
Story Of Mankind
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