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Adam And Eve Vs. The Cannibals
(a.k.a. Adam And Eve)
(1983)

Directors: Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo
Cast:
Mark Gregory, Andrea Goldman, Angel Alcazar


When I am not thinking about the wonderful world of unknown movies that is out there and available to all of us, I like to think about deep subjects that make me wonder why things are the way they are now, and how exactly things got that way in the first place. From that point, I engage in heavier thinking, and often the conclusion that I come up with is that it always started with God. Coming to this conclusion, I have tried on multiple occasions to get a better understanding of God and why he is the way that he is and why he has done so many things that at first glance don't seem to make a lot of sense. One of the things that I have wondered about for many years concerning God is: Where on Earth did He come from? As I think I mentioned in a past review of mine, during my teenage years I read in a Christian magazine that stated, "He was always here!", and didn't explain any further as to how that could be. Needless to say, that left me feeling extremely unsatisfied. Another thing that puzzled me about God was that in some ways He seemed to be inconsistent. I think I also mentioned earlier that in the Old Testament, God seemed to come across as pretty cranky, while in the New Testament He seemed determined to show mankind ways of salvation. But there are other inconsistencies, like why He allowed incest in the early part of mankind but forbid it later, and why in the Bible He allowed people to drink alcohol (including as a device for one to forget his or her problems), while later on (specifically in the Quran) alcohol was labelled as a strict no-no. Then there's the fact He only arranged for the Old Testament to be available to humanity after thousands of years of the existence of humanity - why not provide an instruction manual for humanity right at the start? As for the New Testament, which came out hundreds of years later... did God somehow forget to say some things the first time around?

There are other things concerning God that give me just as much puzzlement, sometimes even more. Then there is everything that unfolded in the first chapter of the Bible, Genesis. Why did God live in total blackness for a long time before deciding to make light? If God can do everything, why did it take Him six days to create the kind of world he wanted? And on the seventh day, why did He have to take a rest if he's all powerful? In the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, why did the sight of the destructing cities cause Lot's wife to turn into salt instead of some other kind of fate? Then after Lot and his daughters got to safety, where did the daughters come up with the wine to get their father drunk so they then could... uh... maybe it's best that I move on. Moving on to Noah's ark, why did God command Noah to spend years building an ark instead of getting Noah, his family, and all the animals on top of a tall mountain peak? How did Noah and his family clean up all the fecal matter from the animals for forty days and forty nights, let alone managing to feed every animal during that same period of time? For that matter, what did all the animals that were on the ark eat for the next few months after the flood subsided? Then with the tale of The Garden Of Eden, why did God, when creating animals, give them all mates at once, when for his greatest creation - Adam - He did not give Adam a mate right away? Why did God make Eve out of a rib from Adam instead of making Eve in the same way that He made Adam? Also, why did he put the tree having the forbidden fruit in the garden knowing (since he always knows everything) that Adam and Eve would eat it?

Let's face it - when it comes to the story of Adam and Eve (or for many other stories to be found in the Bible), there are a lot of things that don't make sense. That is probably one reason why this story hasn't been used in that many movies. Of course, there is also the fact that the story of Adam And Eve Vs The CannibalsAdam and Eve has the two characters naked for a lot of the time, which was a great obstacle for filmmakers decades ago, and today would threaten a movie to be given a forbidden NC-17 rating. There is also the fact that the Bible basically had the tale be a short story, not a story that went on for a number of chapters. But all this didn't apparently stop the makers of Adam And Eve Vs. The Cannibals. Since it was made by Italian filmmakers, you can be sure that they put in a lot of nudity and sexual elements. As for a lot of things in the original story not making sense, and the story being short, no problem at all - the Italian filmmakers threw in enough extra elements to make their telling long enough to have a movie-length running time, even if their extra elements seemed even more bizarre and unexplained than in the original Bible story. In the movie, we see God create the universe and the Earth, and after making the Garden of Eden, we see the creation of Adam (Mark Gregory, "Trash" from the cult films 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Escape From The Bronx). Eventually after some wandering around by Adam, Eve is created (Andrea Goldman) and the two of them hit it off immediately. But eventually, Eve is convinced by a serpent in Eden to eat the fruit of the forbidden tree, which then prompts all traces of Eden to be completely wiped out, leaving the couple to wander the wasteland and deal with some really big threats... not just cannibals.

Apart from me mentioning the cannibals, that plot description for the first part Adam And Eve Meet The Cannibals probably doesn't sound all that far removed from the original Bible story. But trust me, inside and in-between all those aforementioned plot points in this first of the movie is at times true Italian cinematic insanity. The movie starts off with Adam being "born", consisting of some kind of flesh cocoon that unearths itself and Adam ripping it open and getting out. It happens during a rainstorm, so it seems odd later when Adam wanders around Eden, he hesitates to touch water in a pond. Soon Adam gets lonely, and out of sand he sculpts the shape of a woman, and he gets on top of it. Then another rainstorm starts and washes away the sand to reveal the human Eve. (All of what I have told you to this point happened in the first six minutes of the movie, by the way.) The two wander around for a few minutes while an '80s style pop song plays. When Eve discovers the tree of Forbidden Fruit, a serpent urges her to eat the fruit, but Eve does not give any questions to the serpent as to who he is and how he supposedly knows it's good to eat the fruit. Adam tells Even that the fruit is forbidden, but doesn't say why or how he knows this in the first place. Eve is soon motivated to eat the fruit after seeing two lions mating, and after she and Adam eat the fruit, use their newfound knowledge to have doggie-style sex. The sky soon gets dark, there is a storm, and stock footage of a volcano erupting is seen. Then the two are chased down a mountain by a large round stop motion boulder in the style of Indiana Jones. Then when all traces of Eden are gone and the two are in a desert landscape, suddenly we see Adam and Eve wearing animal skins.

If you are wondering if what follows is equally as insane, let me assure you at times that it is. Foraging for food, Adam and Eve sample an egg from a pterodactyl's nest, and soon have to wrestle a stuffed pterodactyl whose only movements come when the two grab and shake it. Not long afterwards, the two run into a tribe of cannibals. They look like Neanderthals, so maybe they don't belong to what the Bible considered first humans. Captured and taken to the Neanderthal village, Adam finally says "I love you" to Eve, and she responds with "Finally!" At the village (a big intricate cave system - how did the tribe construct it on short notice?), we get more doggie-style sex just before Adam and Eve escape, but they quarrel and go their own ways. During her journey, Eve is captured by a man in green makeup and taken to his village where we witness the first buffet. Though she only refers to the man as "Green Man", she is soon charmed by him and has sex with him - which Adam witnesses to his chagrin. But soon the cannibals re-enter and start to attack the Green Man's tribe, and the three escape. After resting from drifting down a river, the three are suddenly attacked by one the stiffest and moth-eaten bear costumes I have ever seen in a movie. The bear is killed, and the Green Man departs after Eve indicates she now prefers Adam... for some reason. Even subsequently tells Adam that the Green Man meant nothing. Adam is still upset, but no matter - the two quickly afterwards have sex while another '80s pop song plays. We jump to several months later, and Eve tells Adam "I am making a cub," which Adam does not believe. What follows is an attack by a pack (actually just three) of wolves, and stock footage of ice plains, snow, icebergs, and avalanches. Just before Eve gives birth, Adam encounters yet another human tribe, but just in time reaches Eve who is at the beach and in labor. We see the baby born via the use of (real) footage of a woman giving birth to a baby while underwater. The end.

As you can see, Adam And Eve Vs. The Cannibals certainly contains a great deal of the kind of ineptness and insanity that's often attached to Italian filmmakers. Is there anything genuinely good to say about the movie? Well, I admit that the filmmakers managed to shoot in some pretty scenic locations, from desert landscapes to snowy plains, many of which look eerie enough to suggest some kind of supernatural force. And to its credit, the movie suggests that if there was an Eden, it might have eventually become boring; Eve at one point questions if they really have to keep taking baths and looking at sunrises. Though while I am talking about boring experiences, I have to admit that the movie has its share of dull patches, where nothing of real consequence happens for long periods. It certainly doesn't help that Adam and Eve are pretty bland characters themselves, creating no kind of spark or interest when they talk (which isn't often) or do things like have sex. Actors Gregory and Goldman not only give passionless performances, their characters aren't written to have interesting personalities. (Also, they don't look particularly appealing without their clothes.) Though the Bible character in this story that's the worse off is God. Believe it or not, there is no reference to God anywhere in the movie! We don't hear Him, we don't see Him, and no one mentions Him at any point. That was a really bizarre choice by the filmmakers, if you ask me. But speaking of bizarre things concerning Adam And Eve Vs. The Cannibals, if you are wondering if the movie has enough Italian insanity to make it worth sitting through the less than desirable moments, I would say yes. The insanity isn't as all out as in movies like Troll 2, but there is definitely enough to make a viewing worthwhile to fans of inept filmmaking, especially if you see it for free on YouTube as I did. Though between watching the movie and publishing this review, the movie was removed from YouTube, but you can now watch the movie on free streaming service Tubi (under the alternate title Adam And Eve) so you'll get a viewing experience that will make you exclaim, "Holy...!"

(Posted January 18, 2025)

If you're American or VPNing it to America, watch on free streaming service Tubi (Tubi)

See also: The Apple, If Footmen Tire You..., The Story Of Mankind

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