Meta Metta Gakido Koza
Director: Mio Ezaki
Special guest review!
I don’t want to be yet another person who points at
Japanese pop-culture and calls it weird. I don’t want to be the one
billionth smirking a**hole that misrepresents tentacle porn as some
sort of cultural touchstone that all Japanese entertainment aspires to
be when in reality it was never anything more than a niche-y cult
thing. It’s obvious, tired, condescending and just so unfunny.
Additionally, it’s unfair. Of course Japanese pop-culture looks weird
to you, you’re not Japanese. You’re seeing a very small, very strange
part of a larger, more conservative whole. It would be like basing your
opinions on American pop-culture after watching Pink Flamingos
and a few episodes of Tim & Eric
Awesome Show Great Job
or any of the weirder programs on the Adult Swim line-up. Urotsukidoji,
vending machines that dispense used panties and theme restaurants that
are some ungodly hybrid of a prison, a hospital and a sex dungeon are
the exception, not the rule. Japanese pop-culture isn’t as crazy,
koo-koo, weirdo-pants as you white devils think.
However, with all of that said, I kind of wish that all Japanese
pop-culture was at least as crazy, koo-koo, weirdo-pants as Meta Metta Gakido Koza.
There’s a little white devil in all of us.
I’m not sure if watching Meta Metta Gakido Koza
actually qualifies as committing a sex crime but it must come pretty
damn close. In the first ten minutes alone shrieking, goofy pre-teens
creepily grope and fondle full grown women or pictures of women, a
peeping tom accidentally covers a nude woman with house paint as he
creeps and peeps all over the place, a sexy mom is so desperate to use
her inflatable Realdoll that she literally kicks her own mother (hard.
In the ass.) out of the living room just to get some alone time with
her polyurethane companion. It’s all very intense. Watching this movie
is like seeing the world through the eyes of a sexual predator. And not
a relaxed, confidant sex creep, this is the world as seen by a panicky,
frightened pervert as he’s brutally handcuffed by that half-man,
half-plant (all cop) monstrosity that used to terrify/amuse the world
on NBC’s To Catch a Predator.
Metta Gakido Koza (or as it’s known in English: The Rascal’s Messy
takes place in a terrifying version of Japan in which the populace
consists solely of feral, priapistic monstrosities who can only
communicate by shouting their lungs out or by slashing each other in
the head with axes. In this harsh, almost dystopian environment it’s
easy to see why children turn out like the sneering nine year old that
stars in the film. This unnerving, knee-high creep often comes off as a
cross between Bart Simpson and this kid that used to live in my
neighborhood who set cats on fire and always smelled like a combination
of peanut butter and Vic’s Vapo Rub. He’s violent, gets a nosebleed
whenever he’s aroused and has a strong desire to suckle on women’s (and
that includes his mother’s) teat.
There is no actual storyline in Meta Metta Gakido Koza.
Instead the film is just a series of bizarre vignettes. But that’s
understandable considering that Meta Metta Gakido Koza’s
source material was a series of gag cartoons that cartoonist Yasuji
Tanioka (who also sings the catchy title tune. A title tune that my
dear, sweet friend Keith Bailey has noted, unabashedly borrows a guitar
riff from Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song) produced for Shonen Champion magazine. Meta Metta Gakido Koza
is just a series of events, a collection of disconnected imagery that
will make you crap your pants, but in a good way. In Meta Metta Gakido Koza
you will see:
- An extended bit which finds our protagonist searching
desperately for a place to pee that doesn’t have a pack of mean girls
waiting in anticipation to laugh at the size of his miniscule
ding-dong. When his search eventually ends in failure, he decides to
hang himself from a Ferris wheel. His suicide plans are quickly foiled
by a horny, God-like, five-legged, rooster who chews through the rope
and causes the kid to briefly transform into an unconvincing dummy as
he falls into a garbage can.
- A scene in which the kid who is now angry and
buck-toothed (apparently whenever anyone gets angry in the film they
grow enormous buck teeth) breaks into a little girl’s bedroom, beats up
her mother and convinces the little girl to join him that evening at a
city park. While at the park that evening, he tries to kiss her but he
doesn’t know how. A beat cop helpfully demonstrates how by stripping
down to his underwear and then kissing the girl on the forehead.
Repeatedly. His creepy efforts are rewarded when the kid buries an axe
in the back of his head. Also, a Catholic priest is shown skulking
around a playground and stealing panties from the lesbian couple who
make out on the slide.
- The kid confronting his philandering father at a
go-go bar. For
unexplained reasons Dad and son get into a drinking contest. The son
wins. As a reward he suckles on the teat of his father’s mistress until
it’s reduced to a useless rubbery husk. From there, the mistress gets
her revenge by enlisting a goose-stepping girl gang and the kid’s
father to run the kid over with a steam roller and eventually bury him
There’s more, much more in fact. There are scenes of
literally smacking the eyes out of her newborn son (actually just a ten
year old in a bonnet and an oversized pacifier), elementary school
students overpowering their brittle teacher and “comically”
attempting to rape her and an ending that eerily anticipates the climax
of Takashi Miike’s Visitor
Metta Gakido Koza is strange because Meta Metta Gakido Koza
feels like a film that was originally supposed to be about the tragic
childhood of a notorious serial killer. But somehow, due to a bizarre
clerical error, the serial killer managed to retain creative control
over the production and insisted on writing a nostalgic ode to his
troubled boyhood. Basically Meta Metta Gakido is A Christmas Story
for people who are currently keeping other people locked in a dog crate
in their basement. Yet in spite of the fact that everything in this
movie is squirm inducing, it’s also strangely enjoyable because these
dark concepts are presented with the cheerful insouciance of The Benny Hill Show.
No matter how grotesque the film gets there’s always the sound of a
fuzz-tone guitar or a trumpet comically bleating away in the background
to remind us that everything isn’t just OK, it’s kind of bouncy.
Besides with the exception of Robert Altman’s Popeye
it’s the only film to present a fully realized live action
representation of a cartoon. However, as fun as the film can be it’s
never actually funny. With the exception of the woman who plays the
kid’s mother, everybody overacts with the intensity of a 1,000 Nicolas
Cages forever screaming “I’m a vampire” at the noon day sun for all
eternity. Actually, to be fair, I don’t even think people screeching in
each other’s mouths only to pause on occasion to punch each other in
the dick actually qualifies as acting. Whatever it is, it’s not really
good or funny. Of course my non-amusement could be due to the fact that
the print I watched was in Japanese without English subtitles. I could
be missing some subtle nuances in the dialogue. But then again most
subtle and nuanced films don’t include a shot of a Japanese child
accidentally burning his tiny wiener with a magnifying glass.
(Posted October 12, 2014)
to check out the first 10 minutes of the movie at YouTube! (Warning: NSFW)
See also: Fantasy Mission
Force, Skidoo, Sonny